dressed up like a lady: Fuuuuuuuuuuuu

Nov 23, 2013

Fuuuuuuuuuuuu



I'm sure lots of bloggers talk about this shit all the time. Offering an "accurate" little window into your life is kind of an inherently flawed concept. Not a bad concept, and not one I'd say is so flawed that it sucks (obviously -- since I like blogging), but I don't know, it's just an imperfect system, I guess. 

I'm babbling about this a little because sometimes when I'm just sort of having a draining week, I realize there's a disparity between me being stressed and our blog being basically the same upbeat tone it always is. And there are a lot of legit reasons for that; the focus of the blog is sort of positivity, and our brains do go to positive places when we create stuff for here. That part is real inspiration -- the joy of digging your style, the joy of being with somebody you're crazy about, the joy of, uh, sunglasses, that's what makes us want to post here in the first place.

But another reason is that when I'm having kind of a shit time, I don't have time or energy to blog about it. Is this common? I remember having lots of time to detail every stupid little neurosis on Livejournal back in the day, but this grown up shit doesn't offer that kind of time at all. When we've got money concerns or family drama, we get worn out just talking it out as a married couple. Not to mention that I don't even know how I'd go about explaining half this stuff without naming (or all but naming)  people in our lives who would no doubt be pissed to get aired out with our dirty laundry.

And here's the crazy part: even as I type this, I immediately start connecting the dots from how dumb and unhappy I was at times in the past (lol, my 20's, what a shitshow), to how comparatively badass and awesome life feels now, and I wind up arriving at the gratitude for that growth that makes me want to post solely about kickass happiness. The cycle continues.

Oh, and also: there's the notion of TMI. I'm not very private (shocker) and I suspect I awkwardly compensate for this by relegating all my white people problems into the realm of probable TMI. We went to the allergist recently (gee, so exciting), and I was asked to list every long-term medication I could remember from my medical history, and it was ridiculous -- mostly because it involved listing every ADD med I tried throughout my 20's: Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Strattera, on and on (for the record I now take Focalin and I love it. REALTALK!). I mentioned the allergist bit briefly in a post, and I actually started to type this part (the "man, regurgitating your medical history is weird" part), but I went back and deleted it. People don't wanna hear about you and your history of prescriptions, I thought. Right? 

Kinda similarly, sometimes I look at an actual post and I'm not super jazzed. Sometimes the camera settings were clearly wrong, or I realize the outfit wasn't that great, or the action set we ran makes the photos look weird, but I post it anyway -- cause fuck it, that's why. But again, I rarely end up complaining about it. "Wah, wah, these don't really look how I wanted," -- am I correct in assuming nobody wants to hear that?

I honestly have no idea, but it's not really the point. I guess the point is just that after a tough week, it does feel a little odd that the posts I have banked were all created with a focus on nothing tough whatsoever. When we make posts, we go to our happy place. That's therapeutic for us and hopefully enjoyable for whoever looks, but I do notice the gap sometimes between that happy place and the grinding gears of whatever might be driving me crazy during a hard week. 

So anyway. Yeah, it's been a tough one. Most tough weeks you will not find me talking about it here, but this lone post is the exception. And here's what's NOT the exception: I'm gonna go cuddle up with my husband, because that man makes everything bad feel like no big deal.  

Hearts and flowers, motherfuckers.

12 comments :

  1. Really interesting, keep writing the way you do!
    xoxo, Maricha.

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  2. I think making a conscious decision to sit down and create something positive for yourself, and whoever else might see it, in spite of whatever stresses are eating at you in your private life is awesome, and an admirable thing to do. That takes energy too. Plus, it temporarily kicks you out of your funk, and documents the highlights of what would otherwise just be remembered as a bad week.

    But I also think it's good to break the fourth wall to dish out a rant every now and then. I'm relieved every time someone lets me see some honest frustration, so I can stop sucking in *my* internet gut for a minute too. It's nice :)

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  3. I totally get what you mean. Blogs I think either end up skimming the surface just a little (at best) or are entirely surface (at worst), because otherwise things can get very dramatic, very quickly.

    I actually am kind of in a weird mental space this morning myself; yesterday I wrote somewhat of a long and involved post on the lessons (or lack thereof) we learned from JFK's assassination, and the violent rhetoric used nonstop in political conversations today and how we as a society are collectively responsible, but instead we just keep throwing giant mourning parties for the "loss of America's innocence" and it just kind of went on. It was probably one of my best pieces of writing.

    And I saved it as a draft and didn't post it, because I try not to go to any political places on my blog, and then I made myself sort of sad because it feels like I'm not being honest. But I am, really - I'm just picky about what I post. And I had a pretty stressful week myself - some of it I expected and some I really was surprised by, and I worked pretty hard and really don't have much to say other than this one post I wrote, and I just don't know.

    Blogging lends itself to a level of surface-sharing or sympathy-begging, and neither is really acceptable, so I feel like the good bloggers all end up doing these occasional "Hey, not everything is roses and sunshine" posts, because when blogging is something you do to feel better, or something that makes you feel better... that positivity bleeds into the blog itself. It's a good thing! But it can also lead to readers feeling like they don't really know you at all.

    For what it's worth, I think you're badass, and you'll share what you want, and I'm along for the ride.

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  4. I totally identify with this post. Blogging has this weird aspect to it where you think, as the author, "Well, but I want everyone to think my life is exactly as I would present it in a memoir forty years from now-- all the bad parts excised, just the interesting, funny, GOOD stuff.' But like you, I struggle with the times where I'm stressed or annoyed or tired or not particularly cheerful, because I want to keep my blog alive and breathing, but I also feel weighed down by all-the-things-blog-readers-won't-want-to-hear-about. So I applaud your frankness! And turns out, blog readers (ie me) AREN'T judgmental or weird about those kinds of posts, because here's one from you, and I totally identify/don't think it's bad you talked about something that wasn't 100% "my wonderful, flawless life." Keeping a good thought for you that things get less hectic and tough. You hang in there.

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  5. I used to post way too much information on LiveJournal; to the point where reading some of those posts makes me cringe. I try to keep most of the personal stuff off my new blog. Partly for the same reasons you listed, and partly because I'm a private person in a weird way; I didn't mind airing my dirty laundry to complete strangers, and I don't mind sharing with my close friends, but the middle ground (acquaintances, coworkers, fair-weather friends, etc.) is where I like to keep things under-wrap.

    When I am unhappy with something I decide to share (like photos), I try not to mention it either; mostly because the majority of people feel obligated to validate the crappy work, and I hate to be bull-shitted. I realize they may have the best of intentions, however, it still irks me.

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  6. I recall a little while ago when you and A were talking about you having trouble with your insurance, having to go back on some old meds you weren't too keen on. As you know, A went through the exact same thing with her anti-depressants. Obviously, the medications one takes for one's mental health are quite personal (though I dare say a tad out of bounds as far as third party comment should go, although like you, I only know what A summarized on that topic), but I know for certain that A found great comfort whenever other folks around the web talked about psych med woes. Then again, I too come from the LJ days, when there was no such thing as oversharing.

    Keep it up, girl.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Brandon. I don't know if A told you, but I actually started working on this post right around the time all that insurance shit was going on -- and of course, I never actually published it. So it sat for ages and ages. I reopened it after that dumb anecdote about the allergist and STILL never posted it.So stupid of me, especially considering I have zero compunction about posting anything else that's sub-par photography or fashionwise. Eerily, A actually asked me about that post within the past couple weeks, and I sheepishly admitted it was just sitting in my drafts folder. Then Friday she texts me and basically says "You should just publish that post. There's people on the internet who think they know your business anyway."

      So full of wisdom, that one. ;)

      P.S. Hope everything's going good for her on her project! She's in the seventh inning stretch!

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    2. When I talked to A, she did not mention the story about your original impetus to write this post. But that was a fairly brief convo. She has been basically living at the office/lab all weekend. Her last text says they are scheduled to finish under deadline. However, she may have mentioned some of this in the past. It sounds familiar.

      She did tell me shortly of your more recent stress that created this "tough week" and of course. the back-breaking needle, as it were. I am sure that despite it being a drag, you probably are otherwise undeterred. I recall a LJ user icon of you flipping the bird that you used whenever there were haters about.

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    3. You are probably so done with this but I have been sans loop all weekend and I must have my say! ;-)

      And my say is this: Where would a person get such supposed info on you??? If you talked about it openly online at some point when that is what med you were on then it is NOT A BIG DARK SECRET! If you did not, then who is this person attempting to gain intel on you irl (and failing) and what is this jealous gal's personal agenda??? I am not going back to look either but I hope someone asked this.

      That is all. Except that yes we came in under deadline and yes I am exhausted. Goodnight.

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    4. Eh, who knows and who the fuck cares. Congrats on your project! Unless I missed something, it seems like this has been culminating for a long time. I hope you're enjoying what it feels like to NOT be under the crunch. :)

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  7. unbelievable I just publish post about similar issue with small clue that I have this hard period of time
    hope it will go away soon and I do believe that our blogs are like a theraphy for us
    xo tali
    www.thepisceswoman.com

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  8. I see my blog as a kind of therapy, but never had intention to write just bad stuff. But everyone should have the right to write such posts, because no one lives only through fashion/food/good looking ( I hope no one does). I like the way you write about certain life parts. I have no problem reading posts like this one, because I do understand the need to sometimes write about hard times, but keep the focus on the more funny parts. And I really hope the tough period is over :)

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